


I'm Sorry If I Say I Need You

by louiscontroll



Series: One Direction One-Shots [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Band Break Up, Cutting, Gen, Just friendship ones, OT5 Friendship, Sadness, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, There aren't any romantic relationships, Where We Are Tour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-29
Updated: 2014-01-29
Packaged: 2018-01-10 11:14:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1159038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louiscontroll/pseuds/louiscontroll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Louis vaguely realized that he was crying as well until the management team left and he was pulled into a tight hug from Harry. “Am I really not good enough?” he found himself whispering.</p><p>"You are," Harry replied softly. "You always are.""<br/>***<br/>One Direction's broken up, for good reasons, too. One of them's a criminal, one of them is depressed, one of them can't settle down, one of them is tired of holding it all together, one of them left the others behind a long time ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Sorry If I Say I Need You

"Thank you, London, and good night!" The crowd was buzzing with energy as Louis belted out his final goodbye, before jumping down through the hole in the stage and out of sight of the fans. 

"That was amazing," Louis laughed, running to catch up to the rest of the boys and clapping them on the backs. He couldn’t stop smiling. It was the final show of their "Where We Are" tour and it had gone brilliantly. Every show was packed, every arena buzzing with energy. Granted, the last few shows had some empty seats, but it was the end, and it was a stadium. Those things were hard to fill. 

"I know," Harry laughed, his eyes alight with life. "I can’t wait to do it again."

"It’ll be a while," Niall said, and Louis was pretty sure there was a hint of longing in his tone, something they could all relate to. "But there’s always next tour!"

Suddenly they were pulled to the side by Paul, who did not look happy. “What happened?” Liam asked immediately, recognizing the look. The last time that look had been worn was after the bathroom incident. It was best not to remember that one. 

"There’s a meeting you have to go to," Paul replied, his voice tight. "Good luck."

They all exchanged glances, the high from the show forgotten. As much as they didn’t want to go, they walked into the room Paul was pointing to anyways, where none other than Simon Cowell and their management team was waiting. 

"Simon," Harry said, the youngest relaxing visibly as the band sat down on the couch across from management. They were all crowded together, piled on top of each other, and although there were other chairs they could fit into none of them moved. "We didn’t know you were here."

Simon nodded a little, taking a deep breath. “Boys,” he said, and Louis knew he meant business. “Boys, I’ve been fired.”

"What?" Niall cried immediately, his Irish accent laced through his words, stronger than ever. "Why? How? Who?"

Simon almost laughed before finishing, “There was a dispute, and…it’s complicated. But. I’m being fired. I’m no longer in charge of your contract.”

"You can’t just be fired!" Louis found himself exclaiming. "Who can do that?"

Simon just shook his head. “I’m afraid I have to leave. I can no longer be affiliated with you. It’s been a pleasure, it really has.” The boys could all see that most of the management team did not look happy with the decision, and one even had tears in their eyes, but it wasn’t enough. 

They shook hands and hugged and goodbyes were said and tears were shed, and Louis really hated how something so terrible sounded like poetry. After what seemed like hours, Simon left the room, stepping out of their lives for a very, very long time. 

"Hello, boys."

A new voice, one they hadn’t heard before, snapped them our of their daze. One of the management team had spoken, a short, brown haired man who looked too smart for his own good. “Who are you?” Liam asked sharply. He was past the point of caring. 

"My name is James Walker," he said, standing up and extending a hand. Nobody took it. Shrugging, he sat back down, and so did the boys. "I am the new head of your record company."

Zayn bit the inside of his lip. “Why did Simon get fired?”

"He told you," James sighed. "There was a dispute."

"Yeah, over what?" Louis snapped. "That really doesn’t tell us much."

"It’s not relevant," James replied, but his tone was harsher, and a lot sharper. "We have business to get down to. Your new contract must be negotiated."

Even though they were still confused and  _needed_  answers about a lot of things, the five stopped protesting and let James speak. As much as they wanted Simon back, they did need a new contract. It sounded shallow, but without the contract they weren’t a band. One piece of paper made One Direction. 

"Some changes will have to be made, naturally," James mused, taking out the paper and pushing a pair of glasses up his nose. "The contract is for three more years, with two albums this time, and two world tours."

They all raised their eyebrows and nodded. “Yeah,” Harry said quietly. “Okay.” They’d have more time with their families, and still be producing music and touring plenty. Even though they didn’t like this James, he seemed fair. 

Until he said, “And we’ll only be signing three of you.”

Immediately they all stood up, anger in their eyes. “What?!” Louis spat, pure venom in his eyes. Niall yelled something too, but it was practically intelligible because of the heavy accent around his words. “Fuck, no! That’s…no!”

James ignored them, and continued by saying, “Harry, Zayn, and Liam will be getting the contract. We’re letting Niall and Louis go.”

Louis felt like he’d been punched. All of the air was taken out of his body and he just stood there, staring at James, but staring at nothing at the same time. The fight, the anger, and the passion had left him. He couldn’t focus on anything. He was sure Niall felt the same way, but he couldn’t actually find the strength to turn and look at the blonde boy. 

"Never," someone hissed, and then Liam was at his side, throwing an arm on Louis’ shoulder, snapping him out of his daze. "That is never going to happen. Ever."

"Well, fine," James said, shrugging. "Harry and Zayn, then. We can market a duet."

"You’re a lunatic," Harry said, shaking his head. "I would never sign on to something like that. Either all of the boys get signed, or I’m out."

"Guess you’re out," James scoffed, and Harry took a step back, offended, almost. Louis understood why. Was he really so terrible that they would even kick Harry out to keep him out?

"Zayn?" James asked, turning his attention to the Bradford boy. Zayn had been fairly quiet during this entire thing. 

"Three years, two albums, two tours?" Zayn asked quietly, not meeting any of the boys’ eyes. 

"Yes," James said, tapping a pen against the paper. "Precisely it."

"Okay."

That statement changed the entire world. 

"Zayn!" Liam hissed. "Mate, what are you doing?"

"I have to support my family," Zayn whispered, so quietly Louis almost didn’t hear him. "I’m the only one working now. I can’t…this can’t end. I’m sorry."

"I’m going to need you to sign here," James said, handing the paper over. Zayn’s fingers wrapped around the pen and it hovered for only a second before he scrawled a signature, locking in his fate as Zayn Malik, a solo act. 

"Zayn, you can’t do this," Harry sighed. Neither Louis or Niall had said a word since they’d been dropped. It was too surreal. 

"I’m so sorry," Zayn said through a choked voice. "It’s been the best, it really has. Thank you. You’ve got to understand, I don’t want this. I need it to keep my family where they are. I would say no. But-"

"But nothing," Liam hissed, shaking his head in dismay. "But nothing, Zayn. Nothing."

Tears filled in the corner of Zayn’s eyes before he practically ran out of the room. Louis vaguely realized that he was crying as well until the management team left and he was pulled into a tight hug from Harry. “Am I really not good enough?” he found himself whispering. He was sure Niall was asking the same things to Liam. 

"You are," Harry replied softly. "You always are."

"Thanks, Haz." 

"No worries, Lou. I’ll always be here."

***

Louis found it ironic how Harry was the next to go. The one who said he’d “never leave” and the one who’d “always stay with Louis.”

They had all, save for Zayn (nobody liked to talk about that name) had faded into the distance. It had been a year since that fateful day, and every single second each of them were losing themselves. Niall almost never laughed anymore. Harry’s cheeky smile was gone. Louis simply wasn’t the comedic person he used to be, and Liam had stopped trying to keep it all together. Zayn’s betrayal was not something they could forget. 

It was even harder, as Zayn’s first solo album had skyrocketed to number one and had broken several records. He was on the news constantly, a smile always on his face. He looked better than ever. It hurt. 

And as Zayn rose higher, the rest of them fell harder. They weren’t mobbed by screaming fans anymore. Nobody seemed to know their names. They were just four regular guys, living in a small apartment, trying to make a living when they’d all dropped out of school too early. 

They were going broke when they got the phone call. 

"Mr. Tomlinson?" A rough voice echoed in Louis’ ear when he answered his phone. 

"That’s me," he replied, casually flipping through the channels on the TV. Niall and Liam glanced over once before losing interest. 

"Do you know a Harry Styles?"

Louis straighted slightly, his eyes gaining some life back. “Erm, yes. Yes, I do. I’m sorry, who’s calling?”

"This is Sergeant Brown, from the police department. We have Mr. Styles here. We’re afraid he’s committed a serious crime."

Just like that, Louis was gone, dashing out the door, Niall and Liam following him even if they didn’t know where they were going. Zayn’s face had just come on the television, and they had to get out of there anyway. 

There was fire in Louis’ eyes for the first time in a long while as he drove recklessly, arriving at the police station in record time, scaring both Niall and Liam, who had repeatedly tried to get Louis to say something, to explain where they were going. Louis never replied. He didn’t have the words. “Where is he? Where’s Harry?” 

One of the people seated at a desk inside flicked their eyes up lazily and said, “Mr. Styles is in the back.”

Louis didn’t know where he was going but he just ran down the hallway until another policeman stopped him in the hallway. “I’m looking for a, uh, Sergeant Brown,” Louis said before the man could say anything. “He has a Harry Styles?”

"I am Sergeant Brown," the policeman explained, a tired look in his eyes. 

"What’s Harry done?" Liam asked, stepping forwards and speaking for the first time. 

The Sergeant sighed before explaining, “Mr. Styles has attempted a robbery.”

Louis bit his lip, knowing all too well why Harry had done what he did. They were going broke. None of them could hold a job; none of them could get a job. Harry was probably tired of it. Maybe he was just done with the starving lifestyle. In a way, it made sense. “Does he have to, you know, go to jail?”

"Not this time," the Sergeant assured them. "Nobody was injured. He got off lucky."

They were taken to Harry then. He didn’t look happy to see them, or sad, or angry, or pleased. He didn’t look like anything. “Harry,” Louis sighed. “Harry, you can’t-“

"Let’s go," Harry snapped, standing up and walking out of the building. He didn’t say anything on the ride home. When they got back to their apartment, he just collapsed on the couch. It looked like the life had been taken right out of him, like all the fire was gone. 

Everything was okay for a few days. 

And then Harry did it again, and Louis was called down to the station, but they weren’t letting Harry go.

Six months in jail, they said. Someone was hurt, they said. 

Harry didn’t even want to see Louis, or Niall, or Liam. 

He was just gone. 

***

Two weeks later, Liam was gone. 

"I can’t do this," he said. "I’m sorry. But. I…I got a call from Sophia. And she, like-"

"You’re leaving us for her," Niall spat at him, his eyes narrowed, his body sagging. "You’re going away. And you’re not coming back, are you?"

The silence said it all. 

"Goddammit, Li," Niall groaned, putting his head down on the table and refusing to look back up. 

Louis said nothing. He just watched as Liam stood up and walked out of his life.

It was like the clouds had gathered in Louis’ head and they weren’t going away. 

***

Niall and Louis didn’t talk after that. They didn’t say anything. Nothing could be said. 

Louis lost all of the life he could hang on to. He didn’t want to eat. He didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to breathe. But he did, and that was the part he couldn’t explain. 

He wanted to talk to Niall, he really did. He wanted to have their friendship back. He wanted to laugh again. But he didn’t. He couldn’t explain that, either. 

One day, he woke up from a quick nap, and Niall was gone, a note on the counter the only remnants he’d ever been there. 

_Lou -_

_I’m sorry I couldn’t stay, but I can’t stay put anymore. This is too much. You have so much more you could do and I’m just holding you back. I don’t know where I’ll be. Thank you for everything._

_-Niall._

Louis read the note three times before his knees buckled and he cried, falling to the floor, letting out everything he’d kept inside. 

***

It had been seven months since Niall left. Louis had gotten a few jobs, here and there, just enough to pay the bills. Harry was out of prison but he hadn’t called. Liam hadn’t contacted him at all. Nobody knew where Niall was. As far as Louis knew, Zayn was still signed to the record label, but he hadn’t produced anything recently and his popularity was fading fast. 

Louis was fading fast. 

He was done with this, whatever this was. He’d gotten thin. His eyes were sunken into his skull, and he looked like a rag doll. He was tired of living this life. 

The knife was above his wrist, ready to make the cuts to end it. His existence was pitiful. There was no reason to stay. He closed his eyes, a single tear falling down his cheek, before pressing the knife into his skin and letting the pain release him. 

Blood dripped to the floor but he made a second one, and then a third, and he was going to make a fourth before…his phone rang. 

It hadn’t rung in months. Nobody knew that number. But it was ringing which meant-

Letting the knife clatter to the floor, he ran for his cell, ignoring the blood seeping from his arm. “Hello?” he asked hurridly, grabbing a towel and pressing it to his wrist, grimancing as the real pain set in. 

"Hey, Lou. This is…erm…this is Harry."

Louis breath hitched and he wanted to scream so many things into the phone at once but all he said was, “You haven’t called.”

"I’m sorry, Lou, I…I messed up."

"Yes, Harry, you did," Louis whispered, another tear creeping down his cheek, followed by another. "But it’s good to hear your voice."

"Where are you?" Harry asked. "I…I’ve contacted the other boys."

"Where have they been? How did you get them?"

"Zayn was easy to find, as I’m sure you could guess - other than that, all of the boys had the same numbers."

"They never answered me."

"I didn’t stop trying."

"I’m at the apartment," Louis said, answering the original question. The towel was red with blood but it didn’t seem to matter. "The same one. Where will we meet?"

"I’ll be at the small coffee shop two blocks over," he replied. "Are you good to come three days from now? That’s as early as we can all come here."

"I’ll be there at noon," Louis said. 

"It was nice to hear your voice," Harry said. 

"You too, Haz. You too."

***

Louis was the last to arrive as he entered the coffee shop. All four former members of the band were seated at one table, and they all noticed Louis as he walked in, their faces brightening considerably. Louis sat down slowly, unsure of what to say. 

Harry looked relatively the same, but a bit more hardened, and his eyes seemed to have more steel in them. Liam had let his beard grow a little bit, and he looked more worn down, like Louis was sure he did himself. Niall had gone back to being a brunette, and his smile was smaller, but there. Zayn hadn’t changed much, either; if anything, he seemed more tense, and not as relaxed. 

"It’s good to see you," Liam said. His tone was geniune, like he honestly was happy to see Louis. 

The thing was, Louis wanted to be angry. He wanted to yell at them, to hold a grudge, to yell at them why they had each betrayed him in some way, why they had pushed him to the point where he no longer wanted to live. But he wasn’t angry. “It’s good to see you, too,” he answered, and he was honestly telling the truth. 

"Well, you all know where I’ve been," Harry sighed, running a hand through his still unruly hair. "What about all of you?"

Zayn let out a noticeable sigh before answering, “I don’t think any of you want to hear about me.”

"We understand why you did what you did," Liam assured him, and Louis found that yes, he did sort of understand. 

"Well, the album was okay," Zayn said, shrugging, "But then they kept trying to mold me into somebody so I just quit. Perrie left me, kept going with her band and…then Harry called me."

"Pretty much same story here, mate," Liam said, nodding. "Sophia left me, as well. I’ve been on my own for a while now."

"I travelled," Niall said bluntly. "A lot. Barely went home. Couldn’t stay anywhere for more than a couple weeks. Nowhere felt right, you know?" His familiar Irish accent was still there, but quite a few more accents were floating into his words, proof that he had gone around the world. 

They all looked at Louis expectantly. He let out a little sigh before saying, “I…I stayed in the same place. Couldn’t hold a job. Still can’t. Eleanor…I’m not even sure where she is, anymore. Harry called at the right time, though.” He bit his lip tightly as soon as he realized what he’d just said. He hadn’t meant to say anything about that day. The cuts were scarring up on his arm, and he knew they’d always be there. 

"What do you mean?" Liam asked, raising an eyebrow. 

Louis let out another sigh, blinking a couple times. He might as well tell them. He didn’t have a convincing enough lie, anyway. “I was going to commit suicide, okay? Well, I didn’t know if it’d go that far…but…”

He blinked again to stop the tears from falling. He most certainly did not expect, though, for Zayn to wrap his arms around Louis and hold him close. When he finally let him go, Liam was looking at him with puppy-dog eyes. “We won’t leave again,” Liam promised, and Niall reached over and grabbed Louis’ hand. 

"Promise?" Louis whispered, gazing around at the four. 

Harry stood up, coming over and wrapping his large hands around Louis’ waist and whispering in his ear, “Promise.”

"Don’t rob another house, okay?"

"Okay."

And Louis believed him.


End file.
